Dog-gone films!

Ok, quick blog for a quick question... what the hell is it with all the movies about dogs that been coming out recently?

Seriously, I have a dog and I love dogs but I'd like to know why the bigwigs at Hollywood feel this intense need to bring out all these canine films recently. In the three months we've had:

• Marley & Me
• Bolt
• Space Buddies
• Hotel for Dogs

You might be thinking 'Well, that's only four' but surely four is enough for three months. In fact, out of those four films the only one I'm really interesting in seeing is 'Marley & Me' which I've heard good stuff about (it's supposed to be a comedy-drama about the life of a family dog, with some very emotional scenes... although you wouldn't guess from the trailers which mark it as a 'look at the silly dog and his hi-jinks' film). 'Bolt' looks like standard Disney CGI fare and 'Hotel for Dogs' just sounds ridiculous

As for Space Buddies... well, you know a film is in trouble when it's released straight to DVD and the advert destroys any possibility that would want to see the film. Silly voices, stupid jokes that might have been funny in 1989 and fart jokes... Space Buddies has it all!

So yeah, basically you can't move at the cinema for films about dogs at the moment. Roll on May, when the Star Trek movie and Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince comes out!

When the cat is away, the louse will play!

Wow, long time no blog!

Ok, we've all heard of Cheryl Cole. You know, Girls Aloud member and X Factor judge. She seems to be a sensible woman. She's tough, she's smart and she's sensible... so can someone please explain to me what the hell she's still doing with that dickhead of a footballer she's married to?

If you don't know the story so far, here it is. In 2007 Ashley Cole (Cheryl's aforementioned Mister) decided to forgego his marridge vows and decided to sleep with a blonde slapper who showed how classy she was by immedietly going to the Sun and selling the story (she defended it by saying she was doing it for Cheryl to make her see what her husband was like... of course it was nothing to do with the large fee she got for the story). Now, even though Cheryl appeared to kick him out for some reason she took him back several months later saying he was a 'free spirit', which to me roughly translates as 'Yeah, he'll probably cheat on me again, but I love him'.

Now this week, Cheryl has been climbling Mount Kilamanjaro for Comic Relief and Ashley decided to enjoy himself by going out and chatting up yet another blonde. Now, after ending up in prison for assaulting a photographer who got his picture and getting a court order to stop the picture being published he defended himself by saying they were having an 'intellectual conversation'.

So yeah, he was trying to get her into bed!

Now, he's a knob. That's clear but what I don't understand is why normal, sensible people can somehow be attracted to people who are anything but. I'm not just talking about women here, I see loads of people going out with someone who couldn't be more wrong for them. I mean, I've made no secret of the fact that I hate being single but I'd rather be single than be with someone who'll make me miserable. I don't get why these other people don't feel the same way, but hopefully they'll learn.

Meeting people off the Internet... not a good idea!

Ok peeps, it's video time!

By the way, I'll just point out that it's NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Watch it then come back...

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8ampc_facebook-nightmare_fun

Ouch!

How, upon listening to it, you're probably horrified at those 'stupid scouse bastards' and their 'cruel prank' but what the video doesn't point out is that the prankee Stuart Slann was actually married when he went to visit 'Emma' with the full intention of cheating on his wife who has now left him. On the other hand, this is clearly a joke too far on behalf of the pranksters (who had met Stuart on a holiday, probably bullied him, had an argument about football and chucked him into a swimming pool) who I imagine would have let him travel for five hours and wait another three-and-a-half in front of a farm sucking the rampant rabbit even if he was single.

Who is the villain of the piece? I think it's safe to say everyone involved is.

Twittering Away!

A very short entry, just to let you guys know that I am now on Twitter under the name 'watchermark' and I'm looking for people to follow me.

So, if you're on Twitter please start following me. If not, join up and start following me. Come on guys! I need my existence validating!

Find Twitter here: www.twitter.com

What I wouldn't give for a Time Machine...

Have you ever said something, either seriously or as a joke, that you've come to regret later as events developed. Well, it's not very often I regret something I've said but on Saturday I ended up with a massive case of 'Ohh... why did I say that?'


Let me start at the very beginning (it's a very good place to start). I was never a fan of Jade Goody and with good reason. She was basically famous for being thick which isn't much of a reason to be admired by people in my opinion. But, despite my own opinion, Jade is easily the person to have received the most recognition since leaving the Big Brother house. But she really irritated me, constantly doing OK! shoots, doing other reality shows and writing endless magazine columns (and let's forget the time she thought adequate training for running the London Marathon was to run on the treadmill for an hour and eat a curry).


So naturally, when she left the Celebrity Big Brother house in disgrace and was hated by the entire nation for her very un-PC comments against Shilpa Shetty I decided it was poetic justice. She'd gotten famous for being thick and now was hated for being thick. Jade disappeared into a black hole for a year and I believed she would never again grace regular television.


Now go back a few months ago when the newspapers all screamed 'JADE HAS CANCER' I scoffed. I mean, I really scoffed. Suddenly everyone loved her again, it was as if the phrase 'Shilpa Poppadom' had never been uttered. In the papers the word 'Disgraced' was replaced with 'Brave', and suddenly everyone wanted an interview with her. I scoffed, and openly aired my belief that Jade could be faking the disease in order to become famous again. In my defence, I had what I thought was evidence:

• Jade had just entered the Indian Big Brother House, and I imagined this was a way to get her in the house but also get her out before she could cause another incident.
• An autobiography was released a few weeks later, and I just felt the timing was too perfect.
• Jade's period of celebrity exile was by now quite long, and as a result I felt this was the last ditch effort to restart her career.

It was all going to be perfect. Jade would shave her hair, have a few months off appearing only for paparazzi photos and suddenly emerge back into the limelight.

And so I'll come to the words I now regret. I was discussing the story with my brother (who believed her) and he asked me what would convince she was ill. And then I said the words...

"Well, if she dies, then I'll be pretty convinced."

I said it totally in jest and didn't for one second think anything would come of it. But then Saturday came and upon picking up the Daily Mirror I was horrified to see that Jade is indeed terminally ill and will be dead within months. And now I feel awful.

To be honest, I don't even know why I feel awful. I personally haven't done anything. It's not liked I wished it on her, it's not like by saying the above I was dooming her. What I said or didn't say made absolutley no difference, and yet why do I still feel like I should be cutting off my testicles with a rusty bread knife in repentence. In the end, I wish I'd thought a little bit about what I was saying at the time then maybe I wouldn't feel so bad.

Man... that was depressing.

Someone's Got Some Daddy Issues!

I was planning to write about the snow today, mostly regarding how much of a pain it is to endure. I've never understood this romantic notion that comes with snow. It's cold, it's wet, and there's always little sods on the street who think it's really funny to pelt you with it.

But the newspapers have provided me with something different to talk about, something that had everybody at work talking yesterday and is far more disgusting than snow. I am, of course, talking about Alfie Patten who has entered the throes of fatherhood... at 13!

I think the reason that everyone is talking about this is because Alfie looks like he's 8 years old and should be outside chucking snowballs at me instead of welcoming his daughter into the world. The pictures make him look like a kid holding his little sister. Luckily, by comparison, the poor baby's mother (who is aged 15, in case you're interested), looks about 20.

Now, I'll admit that's pretty shocking. Of course all the usual parties have weighed in with their opinions; Jane Moore, Lorraine Kelly, David Cameron... wait. David Cameron! David 'Leader of the Opposition' Cameron! Hasn't he got anything better to do than comment on a tabloid story-of-the week?

Anyway, as I was saying, that's pretty shocking but if you read further and further into the story then it gets almost soap-like it's so complicated. Here are the highlights:

- Alfie's dad left his wife and his children for the 19-year-old friend of one of his stepdaughters. He now plans to sit his son down and give him a talk about the birds and the bees... that proabably would have worked better about a year ago.

- Chantelle's (the mother) parents were fully aware the two were sharing a bed.

- Both families involved are fully reliant on benefits. Makes sense.

But by far the best part about all this is that it turns out that Chantelle is basically a little slut and there may be a total of five possible dads for this child. Someone needs to call the Jeremy Kyle show, because this would make a great edition. Hell, even I'd tune in!

In Other News

- Todd Carty was booted off Dancing on Ice. I'm gutted, but I'll probably still watch it.

- Everyone's been talking about a new website called Twitter recently. I'll have to check it out.

- Lily Allen said on 'The Sunday Night Project' that the kind of man she goes for is big, wears glasses and has a beard... all I need is some facial hair and I'll be perfect!

Comedy 1-0 Talent

I'm not a fan of TV Talent Shows as a rule. Mostly because they all seem to feature a load of really pathetic wannabes who for some unfathomable reason seem to truly believe they're meant to be famous. Of couse, a few truly talented people have emerged from the rabble (the prime example being the excellent Joss Stone) but for the most part I find these shows to be a complete waste of airtime.

Which is mostly why I've surprised even myself by really enjoying this year's series of Dancing on Ice on ITV. To be honest, my love of the show is really only due to one factor... Todd Carty! Yes, Tucker Jenkins/Mark Fowler/Gabriel Kent (delete as applicable) is easily the funniest thing on ITV at the moment. Seriously, the show before last, seeing him going flying off stage with his arms flailing and his mouth agape made me laugh. Hard. Of course, it was nearly beaten last week seeing him trying to do what can only be called 'Backstroke on Ice' while his partner did everything she could not to collapse to the floor in tears (laughter or despair, you decide). It's brilliant to watch, it's kind of being at a wedding and seeing a drunken uncle try to 'get down with the kids' by showing off his ultra-cool dance moves.

Of course, it's also funny seeing the judges seethe with fury as despite having no genuine talent Carty is kept in the show week after week. Naturally, had this occured 18 months ago then a simple phone-line fix would have gotten rid of him in the first week but now as that bridge has burned for ITV we're instead going to get to enjoy Carty's ice antics every Sunday. Hoo-rah!

P.S. Wouldn't it be the funniest thing ever if he won!? I reckon Jason Gardner would burst into flames with fury, which would make the comedy highlight of the decade!